Well today we had one of the most difficult experiences we never thought we would have to face. The loss of our baby. I went in this morning for a sono due to some bleeding yesturday but I had no cramping so I was hopeful. I went down in the morning and for some stupid reason I told justin I would be fine and that he didn't need to come with me (boy was I wrong). I went down there and they did the ultra sound. The second I saw the baby and I didn't see the heart flickering I kindof had an idea but wasn't sure if it was the way the baby was positioned. So she did her thing and took all kinds of pictures and I asked her if she knew why I was bleeding. She said yes and then zoomed in on the baby. She said there was no heartbeat and that the baby really had no growth since our last appointment. It was very heartbreaking to hear her say it and I layed there for a moment alone in tears. I called justin immediately and told him that it wasn't good and that he needed to get here right away. He was. They moved me to go see the dr. Thankfully Justin arrived before he spoke with us.
Waiting for him seemed like forever but when I heard that knock on the door I knew my comfort and support was right behind it. The nurse let justin in and I could tell he had been crying and when our eyes met it got even worse. God it felt so great to be in his arms. We hugged for awhile and cried then the dr. came in and talked to us about everything. He was saddened that this was the way we had to meet for the first time (my dr. wasn't in today) and that we didn't cause this. He then went in to explain what my options were. I could either go home and let nature run its course or get scheduled for a D&C which is was 95% of women do because its less painful. Justin agreed that it would be better for the surgery even though I was scared. I agreed that I should have the surgery.
We got to come home inbetween and my mom met us here. We were much better when we got home but it was still hard for us making those phone calls. Justin got showered, I picked up a little around here, and so did my mom. We got ready and were on our way. Everything went much faster than we thought. Registration was quick and getting me prepped was quick. After the nurse got me ready and my iv was in, mom and justin came back to sit with me. Surgery at 1pm. I had a little bit of time and the nurse gave me some medicine to take the edge off. Wow I hadn't had a cocktail in a long time! Justin looked devistated and mom looked scared. Justin never had to deal with me going in for surgery but he was a rock!
The nurses were amazing with me. I really have no complaints about there bedside manners. They trully took care of me and were great to mom and justin. I remember going to the or and getting on the table. The nurses rubbed my arms on both sides and they slowly put me under. I woke up around 2 pm and they put me in the final recovery room. Within 2 minutes mom and justin were there with me. The dr. spoke with them right after surgery and said that I am one of the healthiest patients she's had and that everything went great. She said if we choose we can start trying again in 2 months. We also have a follow up with her in 2 weeks to go over more of that stuff.
I finally got to eat and drink! I was so hungry. I also had to pee really bad and the nurse wheeled me over in my bed and then I had to walk back to a nice chair. I did really well walking and we were discharged before 330pm. wow just like that and its over. It didn't seem right but I was really staying strong. Justin took us to dairy queen and then we went home. Mom stayed for a little bit and finished the dishes; thank you! I did fall asleep after she left and woke up at 930pm. I had a hard time when I first woke up with my emotions but I have the best husband in the world and he comforted me.
I am sorry that this post has to be on here but I not only did if for our family but I did it for me. It helps for me to talk about it and let it all out there. Its a part of my healing and a part of justins. thank you everyone for all of your kind words and prayers. We love you and know that God had different plans for our sweet baby. Or as justin said earlier, "that was my boy.":(
Our baby will never be forgotten and even thought we never pictured this as a part of our story, it is, and we will never be ashamed to tell it.
Here is a poem I found:
WAITING FOR YOU
I'm pregnant I just got the news
I sit rubbing by belly waiting for you.
Although you can't move yet I still fell you there
as I close my eyes and fall deep into prayer.
Dear God, thank you for this precious child
this is a miracle from heaven there is no denial.
I imagine holding you as you place your hand into mine
as I opened my eyes and realized the time.
The time was in the past
but that vision of you is a memory that still lasts.
You left me to earlyand for this I still weep
my womb is empty the pain is so deep.
I can't help but wonder if you are ok
I imagine you placing your hand into mine one day
as we soar side by side in the heavens above
but for now my angel I will still give you love
as I rub my belly you are not there
as I look up to heaven with a wondering stare.
I close my eyes and begin to pray
Jesus, will you please bless me again one day.
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